Dear God,
I feel like I have often felt your presence in different ways, in different places, in different times… I know you know everything…but I’d like to talk anyways…
When I was a child… the ‘grown ups’ told me about you… Every time I lied to the teacher or a dear one, Every time I over ate or dint eat, Every time my feet touched someone or something, Every time I refused to share my things with others, every time I troubled my mum when she took my dictations in kindergarten…they introduced you to me… ‘God will punish you!!!’
And Every time I spoke well to my elders, Every time I bowed in reverence, Every time I finished every morsel of food on my platter, Every time I shared my little possessions with all around, you were again introduced to me… ‘You’ve been a nice girl… God is going to be so happy with you!!!’
What I religiously remembered was ‘God will punish you’ and did things to perfectly ensure that dint happen rather than doing things to please you!!! We have always known that FEAR is the biggest Motivator that ever existed … that evoked immediate RESPONSE. ‘God is going to be happy with you’ never presented any potential of a significant GAIN or LOSS to me and then again what was my incentive to please an invisible being that everyone only described to me but never made me shake hands with. Kids at that age never understood anything intangible!!!
So ‘God will punish you’ was my gospel truth and my REALITY. Always being in a hurry to put words in a picture, I visualized you then, as an arrogant old man with salt and pepper beard, ready to shout at me when I disobeyed those meaningless unwritten rules. However, my perception of punishment was restricted to a ruler beaten hard against the palm or kneeling down, or at best, being locked in a dark lonely room with no one coming to my rescue and that was UNCOMFORTABLE and made me loathe you at times.
As I was growing older, I was narrated more stories about you and was introduced to your kinder side. In a hurry to draw some conclusion, I wondered if you were a woman for they told me you loved everyone alike and showed tremendous forbearance...in spite of insinuations and cynicism of the people who you loved immensely.
I reconsidered my opinion and started thinking of you as being APPROACHABLE …I still dint know you exactly… But I thought you stood for Purity, Peace, Abundance, Whiteness, Morals, Ethics, Poster Perfect landscapes, Nature, Happiness, Strength, Vanity, Wisdom, Beauty, Brightness , Fragrance, Everything that was PERFECT… You were the synonym for IDEAL.
I was told there never existed anyone kinder than You. You were not only IDEAL, now you were ALMIGHTY for you were Omnipresent and All pervasive. You Transcended all kinds of boundaries, you Overstepped all rules yourself, You exceeded Expectations and You Loved beyond the definition of Love.
When my grand mom made me fold hands and bow in front of you…she would bless me and say words like “May god give you immense intelligence, peace and the Best of life”. She would walk a little farther and say the same words to my sister and all other children present. I was often worried by this and I wondered … IF everyone was receiving a lot of the same thing, how would it ever suffice a single person?
The world around me lay emphasis on SCARCITY of everything. To avoid looking Stupid I had convinced my sister to question granny… ‘How Can everyone be immensely intelligent, happy, peaceful and all of that? Was there Enough? … and she had grinned and said
“There is ABUNDANCE…he has enough to provide for every single child of his…and he gives in the guise of different ordinary people. He gives not to provoke us into becoming obsessed with receiving but so that we will turn in gratitude to the Giver. He gives to us in order to bring us to Him. He emptied himself, so that we could be filled. He became nothing that we might become everything that we can become. The abundance of God knows no bounds”
Intense!!!…you now became a SUPER HERO to me…
But I still only hoped and wished to sit down in front of you someday and make conversation with you. I wanted to ask you as to how you loved each one of us as if there was just one of us…if you had preferences…if I figured anywhere in that list?! If you were performing miracles in my life like I heard you perform in stories my grand mom narrated to me. I wondered if I could call upon you when I was in trouble for they told me you never left any child alone to face a difficulty.
Every time my school announced an examination, I wished you sat beside me on the desk for my idea of DIFFICULTY was Examinations and Tests then. I missed you when I was stuck with a certain Fill In The Blank and hoped hard that you’d whisper the answer in my ears softly … not realizing you’d throw a lot many Fill In The Blanks yourself at me in LIFE and I’d remain as clueless as I did sitting on those wooden desks staring at the exam paper blanked out and unwillingly noticing the graffiti on the desk and the dried oil paints splashed in art class!!! ?
Several Years passed and as I wrote the several examination papers on several desks in schools, college, Business school… I harbored the same grudge… only if you were there to help me Fill in the Blank or answer that one Question, my Paper would have been PERFECT…IDEAL like you!!! But I knew you were sitting there without whispering a word in my ear and sometimes conspired that blank feeling inspite of me having prepared so well… to make me commit those IMPERFECTIONS …the absence of which would have boosted my confidence!!! … But I know those IMPERFECTIONS made me strive harder in vengeance!!!
You often always tricked me… but yet I wanted to meet you and have a conversation with you … I was willing to forgive you!!!
As a teenager when I painted passionately, I wondered if you appreciated what I created, if you were trying to converse with me for I was told that one communicates with the DIVINE when one is HAPPY and does something with all their involvement and passion.
Yet I never saw you with my own eyes…just pretended you were around…
Being consistently obedient and respectful to my elders, folks and friends seemed a way to connect with you... I never felt the need to be indecourous, impolite, loud or demanding. Instead, I was shy, soft spoken, under confident and an understated person like my mother who instilled in me the habit of talking in a softer tone and to say “Its Ok” almost immediately forgiving someone who said “I’m Sorry”, to never express anger or remorse.
… this left no chance for me to be the centre of any argument or fight for the longest time…and When I did find myself in a fight one day, a CD of justifications and statements of defense played in my mind that I could barely voice out, losing the battle without being at fault…I hated to feel I was at fault only for NOT being able to shout as vociferously …I wondered if you knew the truth all along and if you did, I secretly wished you’d plant a slap from nowhere on the faces of all those who hurt me for no offense on my part… that never happened obviously … I wondered if you stood there all along hearing allegations hurled at me from people who never knew TRUTH … that you claim to patronize always!!! And yet mother had said “don’t worry… he’s watching always… Nothing goes unnoticed… the truth or the lie” …
And I wanted to tell her “Yea Rrritee… be in my place… I don’t think you know what I’m going through … and I wonder if this so called Entity: GOD exists or you pretend he does for he never shows up in need… you can very well continue to be in awe of him but I give up!!! The damage is done and I see little point in him turning up after years to give his verdict and grant justice that I no longer care for… mommy smiled for she probably sensed this was going on in my mind and I know you stood there and smiled too, knowing well I was venting, knowing well I’d still turn to you and long to meet you some day for you owed answers to my questions. I pictured you then, standing invisibly in that moment and priding the dependence you had managed to create among people like me.
I complained of food when someone placed a plate full of insipid, characterless, uninteresting food in front of me… I know you must have been standing right there… for the next thing you showed me was a crippled malnourished child of my age standing on a single foot at my car window on the signal, trying to gather a few pennies to buy himself food at the end of a long unkind day. I know you must have grinned at my stupidity. You embarrassed me beyond imagination. And I knew quickly that you only quietly taught me lessons manifested through LIFE
… but I commend you for how you always made me feel guilty when I made a mistake but never still showed up in person while I craved to seek evidence of your existence.
You have changed my perspective of difficulty now…its way beyond examination papers…Answers sometimes as good or bad as Questions… I want to tell you that sometimes I seriously do not comprehend how to Join the Dots... You have always tried to reason that Every thing and Every Event in one’s life is perfectly designed and orchestrated… they happen for a BIGGER Reason than we think… I wish you’d even drop some hints and I sometimes wish you dint overestimate my capabilities!!!
I wished I could give you company some day but you seem to me a recluse…
I know you fear I’d never stop questioning… but infact if you did meet me I’d let you do all the talking for I presume you would say “ I know everything you want to know about…just listen up now”!
With my convenient and wishful interpretations of you, I tried to experience you… sometimes while attending to mundane daily chores, sometimes in silent moments when nothing specific was happening, and sometimes suddenly in the perfect, blissful beautiful moments that dint mean anything to anyone else but just weirdly special to me… I perceived your presence in every moment that I thought made me content …sipping on ICE WATER knowing well it wouldn’t do me good, Smiling even if it was out of context…
You made life puzzling occasionally but definitely worth unfolding.
But I wanted to see you… Sometime in the train beside me while I was reading, Someday when I was walking alone on an empty road, Sometime when I was painting passionately, someday when I was introspecting, Sometime when I lay awake in bed without a wink of sleep, Sometime when I was deep in thoughts while walking on the beach, wind hitting hard on my face, MOST times when some hard decisions needed to be taken.
I must confess to having hated you a lot of times for some of your actions, which have often impacted my life in unpleasant ways… You have often made me tread on paths that were just not meant to be my destination as I had perceived them…only to realize in the end they were mere diversions on the way to a more final DESTINATION…
But I feel weirdly sorry and sympathetic towards you since I know that you must remain Abstract, a recluse, no matter how much someone tries to personify you, and not so by choice, I feel sorry for you that people like me search for you though you are present everywhere, I feel sorry for you because you have to perform the mundane task of bringing in sorrow and happiness alternatively in the lives of all, both intended to teach some vital lessons, I feel sorry that for the most complex teachings you impart, you never receive a paycheck like most teachers at the month end, I feel sorry for you that for all the good you do unconditionally and unpaid for , most people remember you as the cause of traumatic things that happen to them, I feel sorry that lot of people think 'DAMMIT' is your second name!
I do know that you are listening to my story most times but I’d still like to invite you someday. And if you do show up this time, I’d take you on a trip to my life, the way I see it, describe to you the things that bring happiness and ask you a few questions that are really important to me… for I know the best view of a puzzle is from above and when it becomes difficult to piece together the puzzle of our lives only you could help put things together…
I do know that you stand for PERFECTION and the IDEAL … I do know that you know Everything, but I’d still like to talk … I still invite you to meet me and make an interesting conversation!
Love
I feel like I have often felt your presence in different ways, in different places, in different times… I know you know everything…but I’d like to talk anyways…
When I was a child… the ‘grown ups’ told me about you… Every time I lied to the teacher or a dear one, Every time I over ate or dint eat, Every time my feet touched someone or something, Every time I refused to share my things with others, every time I troubled my mum when she took my dictations in kindergarten…they introduced you to me… ‘God will punish you!!!’
And Every time I spoke well to my elders, Every time I bowed in reverence, Every time I finished every morsel of food on my platter, Every time I shared my little possessions with all around, you were again introduced to me… ‘You’ve been a nice girl… God is going to be so happy with you!!!’
What I religiously remembered was ‘God will punish you’ and did things to perfectly ensure that dint happen rather than doing things to please you!!! We have always known that FEAR is the biggest Motivator that ever existed … that evoked immediate RESPONSE. ‘God is going to be happy with you’ never presented any potential of a significant GAIN or LOSS to me and then again what was my incentive to please an invisible being that everyone only described to me but never made me shake hands with. Kids at that age never understood anything intangible!!!
So ‘God will punish you’ was my gospel truth and my REALITY. Always being in a hurry to put words in a picture, I visualized you then, as an arrogant old man with salt and pepper beard, ready to shout at me when I disobeyed those meaningless unwritten rules. However, my perception of punishment was restricted to a ruler beaten hard against the palm or kneeling down, or at best, being locked in a dark lonely room with no one coming to my rescue and that was UNCOMFORTABLE and made me loathe you at times.
As I was growing older, I was narrated more stories about you and was introduced to your kinder side. In a hurry to draw some conclusion, I wondered if you were a woman for they told me you loved everyone alike and showed tremendous forbearance...in spite of insinuations and cynicism of the people who you loved immensely.
I reconsidered my opinion and started thinking of you as being APPROACHABLE …I still dint know you exactly… But I thought you stood for Purity, Peace, Abundance, Whiteness, Morals, Ethics, Poster Perfect landscapes, Nature, Happiness, Strength, Vanity, Wisdom, Beauty, Brightness , Fragrance, Everything that was PERFECT… You were the synonym for IDEAL.
I was told there never existed anyone kinder than You. You were not only IDEAL, now you were ALMIGHTY for you were Omnipresent and All pervasive. You Transcended all kinds of boundaries, you Overstepped all rules yourself, You exceeded Expectations and You Loved beyond the definition of Love.
When my grand mom made me fold hands and bow in front of you…she would bless me and say words like “May god give you immense intelligence, peace and the Best of life”. She would walk a little farther and say the same words to my sister and all other children present. I was often worried by this and I wondered … IF everyone was receiving a lot of the same thing, how would it ever suffice a single person?
The world around me lay emphasis on SCARCITY of everything. To avoid looking Stupid I had convinced my sister to question granny… ‘How Can everyone be immensely intelligent, happy, peaceful and all of that? Was there Enough? … and she had grinned and said
“There is ABUNDANCE…he has enough to provide for every single child of his…and he gives in the guise of different ordinary people. He gives not to provoke us into becoming obsessed with receiving but so that we will turn in gratitude to the Giver. He gives to us in order to bring us to Him. He emptied himself, so that we could be filled. He became nothing that we might become everything that we can become. The abundance of God knows no bounds”
Intense!!!…you now became a SUPER HERO to me…
But I still only hoped and wished to sit down in front of you someday and make conversation with you. I wanted to ask you as to how you loved each one of us as if there was just one of us…if you had preferences…if I figured anywhere in that list?! If you were performing miracles in my life like I heard you perform in stories my grand mom narrated to me. I wondered if I could call upon you when I was in trouble for they told me you never left any child alone to face a difficulty.
Every time my school announced an examination, I wished you sat beside me on the desk for my idea of DIFFICULTY was Examinations and Tests then. I missed you when I was stuck with a certain Fill In The Blank and hoped hard that you’d whisper the answer in my ears softly … not realizing you’d throw a lot many Fill In The Blanks yourself at me in LIFE and I’d remain as clueless as I did sitting on those wooden desks staring at the exam paper blanked out and unwillingly noticing the graffiti on the desk and the dried oil paints splashed in art class!!! ?
Several Years passed and as I wrote the several examination papers on several desks in schools, college, Business school… I harbored the same grudge… only if you were there to help me Fill in the Blank or answer that one Question, my Paper would have been PERFECT…IDEAL like you!!! But I knew you were sitting there without whispering a word in my ear and sometimes conspired that blank feeling inspite of me having prepared so well… to make me commit those IMPERFECTIONS …the absence of which would have boosted my confidence!!! … But I know those IMPERFECTIONS made me strive harder in vengeance!!!
You often always tricked me… but yet I wanted to meet you and have a conversation with you … I was willing to forgive you!!!
As a teenager when I painted passionately, I wondered if you appreciated what I created, if you were trying to converse with me for I was told that one communicates with the DIVINE when one is HAPPY and does something with all their involvement and passion.
Yet I never saw you with my own eyes…just pretended you were around…
Being consistently obedient and respectful to my elders, folks and friends seemed a way to connect with you... I never felt the need to be indecourous, impolite, loud or demanding. Instead, I was shy, soft spoken, under confident and an understated person like my mother who instilled in me the habit of talking in a softer tone and to say “Its Ok” almost immediately forgiving someone who said “I’m Sorry”, to never express anger or remorse.
… this left no chance for me to be the centre of any argument or fight for the longest time…and When I did find myself in a fight one day, a CD of justifications and statements of defense played in my mind that I could barely voice out, losing the battle without being at fault…I hated to feel I was at fault only for NOT being able to shout as vociferously …I wondered if you knew the truth all along and if you did, I secretly wished you’d plant a slap from nowhere on the faces of all those who hurt me for no offense on my part… that never happened obviously … I wondered if you stood there all along hearing allegations hurled at me from people who never knew TRUTH … that you claim to patronize always!!! And yet mother had said “don’t worry… he’s watching always… Nothing goes unnoticed… the truth or the lie” …
And I wanted to tell her “Yea Rrritee… be in my place… I don’t think you know what I’m going through … and I wonder if this so called Entity: GOD exists or you pretend he does for he never shows up in need… you can very well continue to be in awe of him but I give up!!! The damage is done and I see little point in him turning up after years to give his verdict and grant justice that I no longer care for… mommy smiled for she probably sensed this was going on in my mind and I know you stood there and smiled too, knowing well I was venting, knowing well I’d still turn to you and long to meet you some day for you owed answers to my questions. I pictured you then, standing invisibly in that moment and priding the dependence you had managed to create among people like me.
I complained of food when someone placed a plate full of insipid, characterless, uninteresting food in front of me… I know you must have been standing right there… for the next thing you showed me was a crippled malnourished child of my age standing on a single foot at my car window on the signal, trying to gather a few pennies to buy himself food at the end of a long unkind day. I know you must have grinned at my stupidity. You embarrassed me beyond imagination. And I knew quickly that you only quietly taught me lessons manifested through LIFE
… but I commend you for how you always made me feel guilty when I made a mistake but never still showed up in person while I craved to seek evidence of your existence.
You have changed my perspective of difficulty now…its way beyond examination papers…Answers sometimes as good or bad as Questions… I want to tell you that sometimes I seriously do not comprehend how to Join the Dots... You have always tried to reason that Every thing and Every Event in one’s life is perfectly designed and orchestrated… they happen for a BIGGER Reason than we think… I wish you’d even drop some hints and I sometimes wish you dint overestimate my capabilities!!!
I wished I could give you company some day but you seem to me a recluse…
I know you fear I’d never stop questioning… but infact if you did meet me I’d let you do all the talking for I presume you would say “ I know everything you want to know about…just listen up now”!
With my convenient and wishful interpretations of you, I tried to experience you… sometimes while attending to mundane daily chores, sometimes in silent moments when nothing specific was happening, and sometimes suddenly in the perfect, blissful beautiful moments that dint mean anything to anyone else but just weirdly special to me… I perceived your presence in every moment that I thought made me content …sipping on ICE WATER knowing well it wouldn’t do me good, Smiling even if it was out of context…
You made life puzzling occasionally but definitely worth unfolding.
But I wanted to see you… Sometime in the train beside me while I was reading, Someday when I was walking alone on an empty road, Sometime when I was painting passionately, someday when I was introspecting, Sometime when I lay awake in bed without a wink of sleep, Sometime when I was deep in thoughts while walking on the beach, wind hitting hard on my face, MOST times when some hard decisions needed to be taken.
I must confess to having hated you a lot of times for some of your actions, which have often impacted my life in unpleasant ways… You have often made me tread on paths that were just not meant to be my destination as I had perceived them…only to realize in the end they were mere diversions on the way to a more final DESTINATION…
But I feel weirdly sorry and sympathetic towards you since I know that you must remain Abstract, a recluse, no matter how much someone tries to personify you, and not so by choice, I feel sorry for you that people like me search for you though you are present everywhere, I feel sorry for you because you have to perform the mundane task of bringing in sorrow and happiness alternatively in the lives of all, both intended to teach some vital lessons, I feel sorry that for the most complex teachings you impart, you never receive a paycheck like most teachers at the month end, I feel sorry for you that for all the good you do unconditionally and unpaid for , most people remember you as the cause of traumatic things that happen to them, I feel sorry that lot of people think 'DAMMIT' is your second name!
I do know that you are listening to my story most times but I’d still like to invite you someday. And if you do show up this time, I’d take you on a trip to my life, the way I see it, describe to you the things that bring happiness and ask you a few questions that are really important to me… for I know the best view of a puzzle is from above and when it becomes difficult to piece together the puzzle of our lives only you could help put things together…
I do know that you stand for PERFECTION and the IDEAL … I do know that you know Everything, but I’d still like to talk … I still invite you to meet me and make an interesting conversation!
Love
7 comments:
Wow!!
I am speechless..in total awe of this post.Loved your conversation with God.
God Bless Ya!!
Jui, u just touched my soul with this post...only someone with unrelenting faith in god could write such a post...
profound :)
painful, beautiful n heartfelt at the same time...very lucid penning down of thoughts..its disturbing in a pleasant way...wish the receiver reads it soon..!
awesome. super intense. Never knew that side existed to ya.
I realised god existed when I tasted beer for the first time.
i can perfectly imagine tat for u...
Wow..m awestruck..wonderful conversation with Him!Honest n pure!
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