Part 2: This and That!

A number of days passed. Oh just for the information, the suitor from U.S.A, Mr. Amit managed to freak Riya quite a bit with his classic questions and opinions. He had turned up in neat blue and white checked shirt, dressed impressively.

Riya had relaxed by the 1st half of this encounter since she knew in her mind she never wanted to see this man who seemed to be leaving his decision about Riya based on questions like …

“How do you define life?”, “How do you describe yourself in one word’? And the best ever “What could you do to make me happy if I was upset?” “Belly dancing if you like?!” Riya wanted to cut him as she felt remorseful. It wasn’t so much about the questions as much as the style of putting them across that got Riya bored to death. She felt they were worse than the “Tell me something about yourself”, “Take me through your resume (life)” , “Why should I hire you?” questions done to death at bschools and jobs Riya had applied to till now in life. Atleast there she knew she wanted to be taken in/ hired, she genuinely wanted to tell them something about herself that could possibly impress them, she was positive about coming across as the way she wanted; confident and potentially the best.

‘Why on earth or rather how on earth do I clarify the assumption that I am dying to spend my life with him’ Riya thought when she was asked “Why do you think we should marry?”!!!! And just for all the irritation and annoyance Amit had caused by frivolous questions he thought were consequential…she wanted to ask him “What’s the meaning of your name? Why is your name the most common name everrrr…?!” not so much to be mean to him as much as to make him recognise his shortcomings, helplessness with certain things about his own life and make him feel as worthless … just as he had made Riya and her world seem …in a way!

The icing on the cake was when he added “Always lived in India is it?!... You would love U.S.A … no pollution and no flouting of rules, no corruption and no noise. This place is always littered, people forever struggling and stealing, unsafe and other adjectives Riya wanted to just dump!”

Riya in turn wanted to ask “Are you well aware of Mumbai areas? Predicting a No she thought she would just take him out on the pretext of showing him around and leave him in Dharavi and disappear and he could remain there cursing her and fuss endlessly over the cleanliness and other conditions there…but he needed to realize that life existed everywhere and no matter what the living conditions, people tend to make the most of their worlds and circumstances and work hard each day to improve them. People dream in every place…also within the confines of the most dimunitive and undersized homes. What best than Dharavi; one of the biggest slums in Asia to help him come in touch with “grass root reality” … literally… this young NRI who had no perspective about his motherland!

It intrigued Riya always, the luxury items and durables people seem to own in the dingy homes here and the happiness people sought in the place. He said he had done his “Business Studies”… Riya doubted this…for he prolly had no regard for “The Bottom of the Pyramid” being vital in fuelling growth spoken a myriad times in every economics and business research paper she had ever read! Aspirations and dreams never die for anyone, no matter what the conditions… Marketing industries thrived on this…seemingly dull jobs like insurance made a living only out of selling dreams and fears!

…She debated this idea and then concluded she had nothing to do with him whatsoever so why squander away those moments proving any point to him and who knows he might still choose to remain rigid and miss Riya’s perspective altogether!

… And these arranged marriage type things operate with a lot of principles apparently…the girl never must show enhanced interest or disinterest since a lot of aunties and uncles are involved and such behavior can only fuel gossips and sway the direction of affairs in an unintended direction !

The marathon of meetings that followed periodically put Riya much at ease with the state of affairs. Weirdly, she started searching for enjoyment in the obscurity. Infact she started viewing this ‘do’ merely as a great means of entertainment and a great means of observing different facets of “human behaviour”!
After Amit, she did meet several “nice boys” … but life aint meant to be spent with merely nice human beings Riya still felt…when her friends asked her “so what did you think of him?’ …she’d say “Really Isha I wanted to be his friend and pull his cheeks, my heart went out for his sad and happy stories …but I CANT MARRY him… hehe”!!!

Riya also stopped caring about how she’d be judged and did things to please her nasty mind that was more an outcome of her frustration with the ‘unpreparedness’. She was just a little less than phobic!

To evade another person, once she ripped a scene off a Hindi movie and replicated it in front of yet another suitor who had barely introduced himself enough to her. She looked hopeless and started saying things like “Let’s make things really clear… I have had a past… I am clearly not out of it… and hey I cant cook to save my life and I have a drinking problem… though I am working at it… I have curtailed my smoking significantly…unnh and I am sure things will be ok sooner or later… I will become more responsible”… she cut a sorry picture and chuckled within when the guy looked exasperated and yet inexpressive of the terror she had created in his head. He drove her around and Riya sat relaxed for the first time with any man ever… thinking it was she who had managed to create tension in someone’s mind this time. Everytime her phone rang, she quickly answered and had relatively longer and softer conversations thinking she had fuelled some sort of anxiety pertaining to her non existent past relation..!

Riya hoped this would end here. Very very surprisingly, the man still called her the next day… “What do you think Riya?… we should meet” . ‘Really… had I acted badly?’ Riya asked herself in the mind… Where do you want to meet?
Umm wherever…let me call you after work one of the days…maybe Friday ?

“Unnh ok!”

All of that week Riya got love, friendship, philosophy and unnecessarily funny texts from the “new boy”!! Riya was bewildered and disoriented.

At 9 p.m on Friday Riya started feeling relieved that there was no correspondence or communication as yet! …just before the happiness concluded…her phone rang… ‘Hi it’s me ... Ravi this side!” … “Who and which side?’ “Unnh Ravi Ravi…we met on Monday?”…

“Oops the alcohol again you see”! , Riya desperately wanted to add but dismissed the thought thinking it would clearly signify OVER ACTING!

‘Ohh of course’ … Riya spoke forcibly!

Riya got picked from a place decided upon mutually. “Riya …You are a nice person…thanks so much for being so honest Riya…”

Riya was whacked out by now… “Are you kidding me” … it took a lot for a shy, quiet, otherwise decent and practical girl like me to accept the movie idea in the first place and then to enact it to save my life from you... and you bother me all week with annoying messages and jokes, more tragic than funny… and to top it all also tell me I am the best woman for being truthful about all the false and evil things… who are you kidding really?!! … Riya wondered almost with teary eyes…if sanity prevailed in her life at all!!! Besides the whole world couldn’t have gone mad suddenly…maybe she was obscure herself she thought for a few seconds!

She kept quiet all of this time, only felt confused …a stark contrast to her previous behavior. Ravi himself felt like he was meeting another woman in the list his parents had drawn fearing Riya was the 36th girl and in all likelihood also one of those who might turn him down or the other way!!

Buffer is apparently a good rule to trust in Arranged marriage…Most people wed by eliminating options than choosing one just like in CAT exams…selection of an option does not signify one is in love with that option but simply that others are relatively inappropriate answers… and having a buffer ensures cushion against sudden rejections!!!

Riya kept pondering… “What the hell is the man thinking…he is under no obligation to marry me and put up with my immoral behaviour and insane habits … whats the desperation about and why such compromises …she quickly put herself in his shoes… its like telling him… “I don’t mind your ways at all… I would talk to you everyday with tear jerking statements and emotional dialogs… and you would surely give up your past memories, smokes and alcohol…I would frustrate you and remind you of your duties towards me, force you emotionally to mend your ways, talk you out of everything that’s so extreme about you and I am sure you would immediately emerge the most suitable after that…and then MINUS the wavelength, you are quite suitable anyways!!!

Amidst the drive that seemed unending, Riya strangely found herself praying in the mind at the sight of a temple “God please ensure I don’t compromise with my life like this man is willing to, put me through all this that seems nothing but funny to me…but please don’t let me lose my ability to reason and judge correctly…it’s the question of another 50 years … a long time… I hope I don’t have to enact movie scenes all my life to avoid something that just doesn’t fit into my sensibility…u made me into a woman that seeks too much logic and reasoning…Don’t make me a melodrama queen! I Dream of a Great life …I don’t know what that must be like …but this is NOT that for sure!”

…Back home, Riya managed to give her explanations about why she thought it dint fit into her mind and walked out of the issue.

The next time around, Riya met another guy, she never wanted her mind to talk… for she felt abnormal about over reacting to things!!! However, a distant relative of her family’s had sent the news after a few weeks that the boy thought Riya had a ‘very different way of thinking’… Riya was surprised for she was rejected this time simply by not talking or making adequate conversation.

Riya had seen some elderly couple in the family…only this time she would over analyse most couples and their chemistry … nothing starkly wrong at all in their relation after many years of sharing a home and having a few children…only that there was nothing special either that could assure her that the relation was beyond arrangements…yet some had been perfect for sure but again she felt it was purely out of a decision to be happy under all situations than naturally…

Yet she started being positive and kept viewing this exercise as one that gave her tremendous insight into human nature, habits and peculiarities. If not anything she found lots of interesting matter to discuss with her best friend!

Also she felt suddenly like she had handled a lot in the past few months alongside burdening work and deadlines. She just thought deserved a break…a holiday to unwind and let go off everything that she carried the burden of… she decided to take off for a shopping trip to Dubai for 5 days with her two friends.

… She just seemed to be immersed in the thought of her itinery for the week and consciously refused to welcome thoughts of the future …

I dint want to delve deeper either… I am excited at the prospect of Riya taking a holiday myself… wishful! Clarity on course of actions, happiness, decisions, anxieties, concerns sometimes just hit in more conducive and relaxed moments. Even if it doesn’t, it can wait for a bit!
Riya needs to have fun and relive some old times with her friends… we shall let her LOSEN UP FOR NOW!

The RARE Day in the Life of MOST Women!

A fiction to change the mood yet again!...but hopefully relateable for most people of my generation!!! Happy Reading...


It can be an extremely satisfactory feeling when you sit back someday on a free idle Saturday or Sunday afternoon going over past events and reminisce experiences…academics: school life, college life, little work stint, post graduation, friends you made along the way, relations you nurtured while progressing…the little ups and downs while you made some important and not so important decisions, how it got more confounding with every passing year , the complexity of issues to be resolved grew in proportion to the candles you added on the birthday cake!!

Riya was finding more such reasons to feel proud of her life…lazing on the cold floor of her room. She felt content as she sat recollecting the way she had always remained focused and steadily achieved her dreams and also got a chance to be a part of some great moments with all her friends that she will cherish for eternity. Her people always remained at the centre of all ‘things’. She was beginning to drift away in a different era and world when…

Her mother entered the room and slowly sat herself down on the little couch behind where Riya was lying down at an approximate 120 degree or so!!! She gently started pressing Riya’s head and that started to make Riya suspicious that there was a difficult conversation in store…

‘What do you plan to do now Riya?’ asked her mother.

‘Umm, just meet up Isha and Pooja over coffee…it gets really difficult in the week days you know right ... And there is SALE at Mango…I have some of last month’s salary saved!! I have been meaning to shop there forever … I’m thinking I must go to Mango this time before the sale is gone and I’m left admiring those pretty price tags!!! '

‘Oh!!… But I meant LIFE Riya… What do you plan to do in life …?

Riya sensed a l’il tension now… ‘Mom I know this might sound highly confused…but I DON’T KNOW…I seem to be expecting and wanting a lot from life…I don’t know if most people my age have as many dreams…I don’t know if its good or will it cause disappointment. I always wanted to reach a few milestones in most areas… my education, my professional life, all my relations…I took several intermediate paths to reach my DESTINATION. But at the end of everything, I yet feel, there isn’t a destination really’... Riya was simultaneously nurturing a feeling of embarrassment over this idea or the Lack of it! She still continued talking as she assured herself that her mom would never judge her…

‘But all throughout, I knew I wanted to reach a point when I can stand up all by myself and DO everything that makes me feel content forever and never REGRET my CHOICES. I realize that there is so much for everyone to do and become…some decode those clues life throws and some miss it tangentially and never apprehend what they LOST…they harbor the disappointment of never having figured why they feel incomplete … they are content with what life throws at them and justify it saying “sometimes there aren’t many choices".

I always fancied doing so many things once I was through with the difficult times… I always dreamed of a good holiday with you’ll when I was free with my examination burdens, my project deadlines, when I made enough money to indulge myself with some good things in life. I always kept waiting for a right time; when life was blissful, hassle- free and granted me some leisure time to search for my calling… I have always been committed t the most mundane causes and have given myself entirely to everything I took up … but so many things remain to be accomplished… I still feel RESTLESS…A lot of things that make life worth cherishing and meaningful'...

‘But Riya…In my eyes you are an achiever… We stepped in at all the necessary times and gave you all that we thought was essential for you… is there something missing?’

‘No mum I don’t mean you’ll haven’t …I just thought I would do these things on my own one day… and infact also present you with some moments that you’ll missed out on while helping us grow and taking care of our needs'.

…Parallel feeling of embarrassment was taking over Riya. She was feeling petty to be telling her mother that she wanted to provide for her needs knowing well her mother had done it all her life for Riya and Riya’s meager contribution now would not quite suffice or closely match her sacrifices: monetary and absolute…but yea maybe she could touch and connect with her on an abstract level with this gesture she felt… a token of appreciation to this woman for the countless sacrifices she made to help Riya succeed in her endeavors and invincible in her efforts to endure all troubles ... “A woman of consequence” like Mariam of A Thousand splendid Suns… Riya was thinking for her mum.

‘Anyways mum…maybe I am being stupid…What is it that you wanted to ask?’

‘Riya …what have you thought about MARRIAGE?’… I mean do you have anyone in mind...Uh anyone you would want us to consider/meet before we thought of someone else.’

Riya trembled for a second or two and quickly collected herself after a flash of all those thoughts of a recent relation that did not culminate into anything pleasant…

‘Mom… I am not sure if I am prepared though…Besides this Arranged Marriage idea… I don’t mean to be disrespectful at all... but I’m not sure if I have faith in this concept as yet ... Should I rather not wait till the right time and right person?!’

‘Riya the right time is when you want it to be … and then we all have gone through it…it’s not as bad as it is made out to be by these Westerners!!!

‘And what about the right person mom?!’… Riya had a question that faced a premature death in her mind…She wondered if that was an important question at all and if her mother should have rather thought it was a primary question…

‘Anyways so what are we getting at?'

‘Your dad’s friend was just enquiring about you…he has a friend whose son is age as well and he’s pursued higher education and life in U.S.A…You may want to give it a thought. A good family with some really good values and plus people we know a little about… '

…A typical start to a typical subject like ARRANGED MARRIAGE… everything so strategically arranged… except for logic!! And we are talking about two educated people coming together to spend life … clauses of this contract formulated by parties other than those to be wedded, a settlement that is devoid of everything they are taught to be…logical, intelligent, rational, and other attributes of the mind and the heart!...Riya wondered!

‘Ohoo…The U.S.A…? Arranged Marriage plus U.S.A… combo offer?!…deadly!!

‘So U.S.A you said? where laying off people in huge numbers is the latest fad? So the prospective suitor to your daughter is also a potentially displaced individual in The Great U.S.A?!!! …Where chances are the prospective son in law doesn’t know his neighbours and religiously mowes the lawn and trims some plants at the entrance to his house so that his invisible neighbors never call the inspector or sue him...'

…And here I thought the world began and ended with Mumbai… the Fashion and the Commerce capital? ... I mean so what if the markets these days are depressed and all of that?

… Forget Mumbai…I had been tortured in B-school with a single learning that the world is turning to India… so much for India shining and all that jazz? Plus, they said like the U.S.A once enjoyed the benefits of Baby Boomers, its India that has the highest youth population amongst most countries in the world at this point in time? So assuming the ratio is skewed, ideally we should be witnessing profusion of young men…and assuming every third person pursues ‘The M.B.A’ degree…we should have a huge base of decently educated young men to be a suitor to your daughter?!’

But Riya … where do I go look for such a person here?!!

‘Really mom … I don’t want you to!!! Let it take time ' …let it take forever Riya wanted to say actually…

‘I don’t see a point in that… i mean its so difficult to find an able suitor these days with girls pursuing higher education. And then you girls want someone better than you… And it’s not like you don’t know that most Indian boys, 2-3 years ago thought it was best to just pack off to the U.S for higher education for the fat pay packages and the glamour.
What do you want us to do…You really think I’d want to lose my child to some odd far off place? But sometimes LIFE doesn’t offer too many options and who knows may be it isn’t that bad… '

‘But it isn’t that good as well? ...It’s not the best …smiled Riya almost submitting to her mom’s argument. ‘Mom I want to be here…I want to be close and connected to my life and my people and work that makes me happy… I want to be closer to you’ll and all those friends who I can meet up with when life’s giving me hundred reasons to feel lonely and morose!! '

Riya barely realized that she was now inviting a melodramatic moment…her mom’s eyes had welled up presumably because she had already pictured Riya in her mind in a cold deserted arrogant foreign place… weak and feeble, ‘doing dishes’. For that she must have surely pictured her already in a marriage attire going through the several tedious pre-wedding ceremonies and parties that seem to be the new fancy of most people and a vital plan in the scheme of affairs to use up resources; time, money, effort, flowers, fuel n whatever there can be available to blow up...

Mother!!! ... A weird species god ever made Riya was thinking as she felt strangely sorry and also piqued at the same time… Imagine!!! This was the first individual being considered for Riya, who Riya had not even met, who may well turn out to be some clown who they’d never want to see again…but inspite of all this she had got Riya married off to him in her thoughts and may be even pictured her grand children in baby GAP !!!

She soon realized that this could make Riya nervous and discouraged…' no no... why don’t you think it can be great staying in the U.S? Beautiful standard of living … access to many more brands that you fancy ' ... almost dismissing more serious issues like cultural differences!!!

Riya wasn’t convinced one bit…but she went ahead and broke her silence…

‘So what now mom?’

‘He comes down next week…would like to talk to you or meet you I assume.

Riya felt the discomfort … could not sleep a wink for 4 nights in a row… the fifth night she did… merely out of lack of sleep and the ensuing exhaustion…

She pondered for hours as to how she’d converse… how does everyone converse…what questions to expect…which ones to ask, how to contain her nervousness in front of a man she’d not know for the longest time even after she agreed to marry him!!

Next weekend isn’t too remote…she’d know it herself she thought!

We may also want to wait till then...

Man Speaks!!!

Dear God,

I feel like I have often felt your presence in different ways, in different places, in different times… I know you know everything…but I’d like to talk anyways…

When I was a child… the ‘grown ups’ told me about you… Every time I lied to the teacher or a dear one, Every time I over ate or dint eat, Every time my feet touched someone or something, Every time I refused to share my things with others, every time I troubled my mum when she took my dictations in kindergarten…they introduced you to me… ‘God will punish you!!!’

And Every time I spoke well to my elders, Every time I bowed in reverence, Every time I finished every morsel of food on my platter, Every time I shared my little possessions with all around, you were again introduced to me… ‘You’ve been a nice girl… God is going to be so happy with you!!!’

What I religiously remembered was ‘God will punish you’ and did things to perfectly ensure that dint happen rather than doing things to please you!!! We have always known that FEAR is the biggest Motivator that ever existed … that evoked immediate RESPONSE. ‘God is going to be happy with you’ never presented any potential of a significant GAIN or LOSS to me and then again what was my incentive to please an invisible being that everyone only described to me but never made me shake hands with. Kids at that age never understood anything intangible!!!

So ‘God will punish you’ was my gospel truth and my REALITY. Always being in a hurry to put words in a picture, I visualized you then, as an arrogant old man with salt and pepper beard, ready to shout at me when I disobeyed those meaningless unwritten rules. However, my perception of punishment was restricted to a ruler beaten hard against the palm or kneeling down, or at best, being locked in a dark lonely room with no one coming to my rescue and that was UNCOMFORTABLE and made me loathe you at times.

As I was growing older, I was narrated more stories about you and was introduced to your kinder side. In a hurry to draw some conclusion, I wondered if you were a woman for they told me you loved everyone alike and showed tremendous forbearance...in spite of insinuations and cynicism of the people who you loved immensely.

I reconsidered my opinion and started thinking of you as being APPROACHABLE …I still dint know you exactly… But I thought you stood for Purity, Peace, Abundance, Whiteness, Morals, Ethics, Poster Perfect landscapes, Nature, Happiness, Strength, Vanity, Wisdom, Beauty, Brightness , Fragrance, Everything that was PERFECT… You were the synonym for IDEAL.

I was told there never existed anyone kinder than You. You were not only IDEAL, now you were ALMIGHTY for you were Omnipresent and All pervasive. You Transcended all kinds of boundaries, you Overstepped all rules yourself, You exceeded Expectations and You Loved beyond the definition of Love.

When my grand mom made me fold hands and bow in front of you…she would bless me and say words like “May god give you immense intelligence, peace and the Best of life”. She would walk a little farther and say the same words to my sister and all other children present. I was often worried by this and I wondered … IF everyone was receiving a lot of the same thing, how would it ever suffice a single person?

The world around me lay emphasis on SCARCITY of everything. To avoid looking Stupid I had convinced my sister to question granny… ‘How Can everyone be immensely intelligent, happy, peaceful and all of that? Was there Enough? … and she had grinned and said
“There is ABUNDANCE…he has enough to provide for every single child of his…and he gives in the guise of different ordinary people. He gives not to provoke us into becoming obsessed with receiving but so that we will turn in gratitude to the Giver. He gives to us in order to bring us to Him. He emptied himself, so that we could be filled. He became nothing that we might become everything that we can become. The abundance of God knows no bounds”

Intense!!!…you now became a SUPER HERO to me…
But I still only hoped and wished to sit down in front of you someday and make conversation with you. I wanted to ask you as to how you loved each one of us as if there was just one of us…if you had preferences…if I figured anywhere in that list?! If you were performing miracles in my life like I heard you perform in stories my grand mom narrated to me. I wondered if I could call upon you when I was in trouble for they told me you never left any child alone to face a difficulty.

Every time my school announced an examination, I wished you sat beside me on the desk for my idea of DIFFICULTY was Examinations and Tests then. I missed you when I was stuck with a certain Fill In The Blank and hoped hard that you’d whisper the answer in my ears softly … not realizing you’d throw a lot many Fill In The Blanks yourself at me in LIFE and I’d remain as clueless as I did sitting on those wooden desks staring at the exam paper blanked out and unwillingly noticing the graffiti on the desk and the dried oil paints splashed in art class!!! ?

Several Years passed and as I wrote the several examination papers on several desks in schools, college, Business school… I harbored the same grudge… only if you were there to help me Fill in the Blank or answer that one Question, my Paper would have been PERFECT…IDEAL like you!!! But I knew you were sitting there without whispering a word in my ear and sometimes conspired that blank feeling inspite of me having prepared so well… to make me commit those IMPERFECTIONS …the absence of which would have boosted my confidence!!! … But I know those IMPERFECTIONS made me strive harder in vengeance!!!

You often always tricked me… but yet I wanted to meet you and have a conversation with you … I was willing to forgive you!!!

As a teenager when I painted passionately, I wondered if you appreciated what I created, if you were trying to converse with me for I was told that one communicates with the DIVINE when one is HAPPY and does something with all their involvement and passion.
Yet I never saw you with my own eyes…just pretended you were around…

Being consistently obedient and respectful to my elders, folks and friends seemed a way to connect with you... I never felt the need to be indecourous, impolite, loud or demanding. Instead, I was shy, soft spoken, under confident and an understated person like my mother who instilled in me the habit of talking in a softer tone and to say “Its Ok” almost immediately forgiving someone who said “I’m Sorry”, to never express anger or remorse.

… this left no chance for me to be the centre of any argument or fight for the longest time…and When I did find myself in a fight one day, a CD of justifications and statements of defense played in my mind that I could barely voice out, losing the battle without being at fault…I hated to feel I was at fault only for NOT being able to shout as vociferously …I wondered if you knew the truth all along and if you did, I secretly wished you’d plant a slap from nowhere on the faces of all those who hurt me for no offense on my part… that never happened obviously … I wondered if you stood there all along hearing allegations hurled at me from people who never knew TRUTH … that you claim to patronize always!!! And yet mother had said “don’t worry… he’s watching always… Nothing goes unnoticed… the truth or the lie” …

And I wanted to tell her “Yea Rrritee… be in my place… I don’t think you know what I’m going through … and I wonder if this so called Entity: GOD exists or you pretend he does for he never shows up in need… you can very well continue to be in awe of him but I give up!!! The damage is done and I see little point in him turning up after years to give his verdict and grant justice that I no longer care for… mommy smiled for she probably sensed this was going on in my mind and I know you stood there and smiled too, knowing well I was venting, knowing well I’d still turn to you and long to meet you some day for you owed answers to my questions. I pictured you then, standing invisibly in that moment and priding the dependence you had managed to create among people like me.

I complained of food when someone placed a plate full of insipid, characterless, uninteresting food in front of me… I know you must have been standing right there… for the next thing you showed me was a crippled malnourished child of my age standing on a single foot at my car window on the signal, trying to gather a few pennies to buy himself food at the end of a long unkind day. I know you must have grinned at my stupidity. You embarrassed me beyond imagination. And I knew quickly that you only quietly taught me lessons manifested through LIFE

… but I commend you for how you always made me feel guilty when I made a mistake but never still showed up in person while I craved to seek evidence of your existence.

You have changed my perspective of difficulty now…its way beyond examination papers…Answers sometimes as good or bad as Questions… I want to tell you that sometimes I seriously do not comprehend how to Join the Dots... You have always tried to reason that Every thing and Every Event in one’s life is perfectly designed and orchestrated… they happen for a BIGGER Reason than we think… I wish you’d even drop some hints and I sometimes wish you dint overestimate my capabilities!!!

I wished I could give you company some day but you seem to me a recluse…
I know you fear I’d never stop questioning… but infact if you did meet me I’d let you do all the talking for I presume you would say “ I know everything you want to know about…just listen up now”!

With my convenient and wishful interpretations of you, I tried to experience you… sometimes while attending to mundane daily chores, sometimes in silent moments when nothing specific was happening, and sometimes suddenly in the perfect, blissful beautiful moments that dint mean anything to anyone else but just weirdly special to me… I perceived your presence in every moment that I thought made me content …sipping on ICE WATER knowing well it wouldn’t do me good, Smiling even if it was out of context…

You made life puzzling occasionally but definitely worth unfolding.

But I wanted to see you… Sometime in the train beside me while I was reading, Someday when I was walking alone on an empty road, Sometime when I was painting passionately, someday when I was introspecting, Sometime when I lay awake in bed without a wink of sleep, Sometime when I was deep in thoughts while walking on the beach, wind hitting hard on my face, MOST times when some hard decisions needed to be taken.

I must confess to having hated you a lot of times for some of your actions, which have often impacted my life in unpleasant ways… You have often made me tread on paths that were just not meant to be my destination as I had perceived them…only to realize in the end they were mere diversions on the way to a more final DESTINATION…

But I feel weirdly sorry and sympathetic towards you since I know that you must remain Abstract, a recluse, no matter how much someone tries to personify you, and not so by choice, I feel sorry for you that people like me search for you though you are present everywhere, I feel sorry for you because you have to perform the mundane task of bringing in sorrow and happiness alternatively in the lives of all, both intended to teach some vital lessons, I feel sorry that for the most complex teachings you impart, you never receive a paycheck like most teachers at the month end, I feel sorry for you that for all the good you do unconditionally and unpaid for , most people remember you as the cause of traumatic things that happen to them, I feel sorry that lot of people think 'DAMMIT' is your second name!

I do know that you are listening to my story most times but I’d still like to invite you someday. And if you do show up this time, I’d take you on a trip to my life, the way I see it, describe to you the things that bring happiness and ask you a few questions that are really important to me… for I know the best view of a puzzle is from above and when it becomes difficult to piece together the puzzle of our lives only you could help put things together…

I do know that you stand for PERFECTION and the IDEAL … I do know that you know Everything, but I’d still like to talk … I still invite you to meet me and make an interesting conversation!

Love

Hommage...

Straying from the usual mood of my posts, I'd like to borrow some lines from books I have read and make a note of some significant turning points in the them. These do not, in the least sense, resemble the kind of things I write or will ever be able to. It makes fine reading nevertheless!


* "You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. Every day, God gives us the sun -and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven't perceived that moment, that it doesn't exist - that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us.

-By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

* “We were born and brought up with the maxim that “time is money.” We know exactly what money is, but what does the word “time” mean? The day is made up of twenty-fours and an infinite number of moments. We need to be aware of each of those moments and to make the most of them regardless of whether we're busy doing something or merely contemplating life. If we slow down, everything lasts much longer… but why not use that time to think about pleasant things and to feel glad simply to be alive?”


*… in order to forget the rules, you must know them and respect them.

* …each of us contains our ancestors and all the generations to come. When we free ourselves, we are freeing all humanity.

*Athena: I was behaving like a little girl who has just found out that the world isn't full of ghosts and curses as grown-ups have taught us. It's full of love, regardless of how that love is manifested, a love that forgives our mistakes and redeems our sins.Love is not a habit, a commitment, or a debt. It isn’t what romantic songs tell us it is-love simply is. That is the testament of Athena or Sherine or Hagia Sophia- Love is. No definitions. Love and don’t ask too many questions. Just love.’


* Samira R. Khalil, 57, housewife, Athena’s Mother: ‘The blank pauses?”

Athena: “I learned calligraphy while I was in Dubai. I dance whenever I can, but music only exists because the pauses exist, and sentences only exist because the blank spaces exist. When I’m doing something, I feel complete, but no one can keep active twenty-four hours a day. As soon as I stop, I feel there’s something lacking. You’ve often said to me that I’m a naturally restless person, but I didn’t choose to be that way. I’d like to sit here quietly, watching television, but I can’t. My brain won’t stop. Sometimes, I think I’m going mad. I need always to be dancing, writing, selling land, taking care of Viorel, or reading whatever I find to read. Do you think that’s normal?”


Athena/ Sherine: “I’ve always been a very restless person. I work hard, spend too much time looking after my son, I dance like a mad thing, I learned calligraphy, I go to courses on selling, I read one book after another. But that’s all a way of avoiding those moments when nothing is happening, because those blank spaces give me a feeling of absolute emptiness, in which not a single crumb of love exists. My parents have always done everything they could for me, and I do nothing but disappoint them. But here, during the time we’ve spent together, celebrating nature and the Great Mother, I’ve realised that those empty spaces were starting to get filled up. They were transformed into pauses-the moment when the man lifts his hand from the drum before bringing it down again to strike it hard.

* And as you make those discoveries, you'll manage to fill in the blank spaces that all those writers left there on purpose to provoke the reader's imagination. And when you fill in the spaces, you'll start to believe in your own abilities.


*...If all the words were joined together, they wouldn't make sense, or, at the very least, they'd be extremely hard to decipher. The spaces are crucial…


* Dance to the point of exhaustion, as if you were a mountaineer climbing a hill, a sacred mountain. Dance until you are so out of breath that your organism is forced to obtain oxygen some other way, and it is that, in the end, that will cause you to lose your identity and your relationship with space and time. Dance only to the sound of percussion; repeat the process every day; know that, at a certain moment, your eyes will, quite naturally, close, and you will begin to see a light that comes from within, a light that answers your questions and develops your hidden powers.


* Pavel Podbielski, 57, owner of the Apartment:
'All we have to do is understand that we’re all here for a reason and to commit ourselves to that. Then we can laugh at our sufferings, large and small, and walk fearlessly, aware that each step has meaning. We can let ourselves be guided by the light emanating from the Vertex.'
'What do you mean by the Vertex? In Mathematics, it's the topmost angle of a triangle.'
'In life, too, it's the culminating point, the goal of all those who, like evryone else, make mistakes, butwho, even in their darkest moments, never lose sight of the light emanating from their hearts'.

*Athena: 'When I die, bury me standing, because I've spent all of my life on my knees'...

* …when you grow tired of being what you’re not, go and have fun and celebrate life…. In time, you’ll discover that it will give you more than pleasure, it will give you meaning.

* Deidre O'Neil's Protector:
"One day, I left my job and set up my own blacksmith’s business, which went completely wrong from the start. Just when I was starting to believe in life, things got markedly worse. One day I was working away and I saw that there before me was a symbol…
The unworked steel arrives in my workshop and I have to transform it into parts for cars, agricultural machinery, kitchen utensils. Do you know how that’s done? First, I heat the metal until its red-hot, then I beat it mercilessly with my heaviest hammer until the metal takes on the form I need. Then I plunge it into a bucket of cold water and the whole workshop is filled with the roar of steam, while the metal sizzles and crackles in response to the sudden change in temperature. I have to keep repeating that process until the object I’m making is perfect: once is not enough.’
‘Sometimes the steel I get simply can’t withstand such treatment. The heat, the hammer blows, the cold water cause it to crack. And I know that I’ll never be able to make it into a good ploughshare or an engine shaft. Then I throw it on the pile of scrap metal at the entrance to my forge.’

I know that God is putting me through the fire of afflictions. I’ve accepted the blows that life has dealt me, and sometimes I feel as cold and indifferent as the water that inflicts such pain on the steel. But my one prayer is this: “Please, God, my Mother, don’t give up until I’ve taken on the shape that you wish for me. Do this by whatever means you think best, for as long as you like, but never ever throw me on the scrap heap of souls.”


*Live now what others will only live in the future…

-The Witch of Portobello

Mumbai: The city of Dreams, The city that never Sleeps, Home for You and Me!

For all the years I have spent in this magical city called Mumbai, I have come to think of this place as one that boasts of a very unique attitude. You may love it or love to hate it…but you can never ignore this place that a VARIETY of people like to call “their home”.

These people include residents by birth and also those who poured into the city over the years from different parts of the country, starry eyed, in pursuit of different things: careers, money, glamour, plush apartments,… love!! Some found their calling, Some groped in the dark, Some struggled hard to cope up with the pace of life, Some got richer (the easy or the hard way!), Some lost what they had, Some witnessed a changed personality, Some veered between shyness and aggression, Some lost memory of what they really were as they donned several masks to suit circumstances resulting in Insecurities and IDENTITY CRISIS!!

I always spoke about MUMBAI with great passion to some very dear friends who stay in another city and left no opportunity to boast about belonging to this place. It might have hurt them for they may have felt I had a condescending attitude towards the city they resided in…NOT AT ALL…I just meant Mumbai was different for most reasons I will talk about!

The beautiful coastline, the hooting cars and maddening sound of traffic, the busy roads (24x7), the sparkling Queen’s necklace at Marine Drive, The Gateway of India, The skyline of South Mumbai, The fireworks in small streets when India beats its rival in a random cricket match (never mind the magnitude and the format), the glitterati and grandeur of film sets, the euphoria at night clubs and lounges (irrespective of the day in the week), Colaba causeway, Victoria Terminus station ,The Times of India Building overlooking VT Station, The Rainy season, the Roadside food, Cutting Chai, Siddhivinayak Temple (in no specific order) would come flashing to me in 2 seconds if someone asked me what Mumbai distinctly stood for.


First things first, I still relate to the nostalgia linked to the name Bombay that came to being Mumbai to boost the ego of some few politicians or party!!!... And one thing that I would never miss to mention or describe is the unbeatable Mumbai Railway system. They say if you are a true Mumbaiite or vying to be one, you have to know what it feels like to travel by this invincible mode of public transport that looks no different from a creepy caterpillar when you are suspended in the air while travelling out of this city. The S.V. Road that looks like a ruler drawn straight line dissecting essential parts of Mumbai , the vast expanse of the Arabian Sea, the slums and a random local is what you will never miss to catch a glimpse of from any aircraft entering into or exiting from Mumbai.

I would say my routine travelling by Mumbai locals has given me an interesting perspective of what Mumbai stands for and the broad emotions that people in this city go through.

For most years, my mornings typically began with me staring at those malfunctioning electric indicators displaying an odd time, like say… 7:04 a.m. and trust me I have forever pondered over the idea of suggesting to the Railways about having round- figure time schedules to make life simple. The absurdity doesn’t stop there about the Railways. We also have men from the trains passing by; make awkward gestures at the women waiting. Normal souls wonder how on earth does one manage to keep those droopy sleepy eyes awake at that hour let alone make sleazy comments or gestures!! But a true Mumbaite never gets unnerved cuz its just a WAY OF LIFE ! … For all you know, you may also manage to see a man being slapped or nudged for misbehaving.

It was rare that I travelled on a men’s compartment (for obvious reasons)…Only if the stakes were too high to get on to the train and women’s compartment seemed difficult to reach…From my little experience, the conversations in the Men’s compartments were usually about stock markets, money, more money, other sources of income, ways to make quick money and sometimes hot models and extra marital affair (if i may exaggerate!!)

Inside the ladies compartment, conversations and talks get much more interesting!!!

From one of my long trips on the Western Railway, I recollect some conversations and expressions!!!

A woman was sharing with her “train friend” how her husband had to make breakfast that morning because the lady was running late…(when you stay in Mumbai, its natural to have a school friend, a college friend, an office friend and also a “train friend” incase you were wondering!!)

A teenager was telling her friend how she broke up with her boyfriend for the 31st time and how she thinks he would plead and they would come back to being a couple exactly on the 10th day after the breakup, ( The teenager looked at ease with the predictability of her relation!!)

A mother was sharing her guilt and anxiety for not being around her kids who were growing up , how she must get home early that day to feed her husband’s parents,

A young girl telling her mate how she was feeling nervous that her parents had begun contemplating marriage for her and that she would have to fall in the “Arranged Love” trap like most fellow Indians. She said "You know Tina, i am meeting this guy who is dad's friend's cousin's son...We'l meet over coffee and if need be also over a couple of Paneer rolls, clarify everything... our salaries, our habits, our past, present and future and then, may be, take a CALL! The poor girl was just trying to convince herself it would be all good and through one and a half meetings she would start feeling or pretending to be in awe of the guy and decide to love him for all her life and the same for her dad's friend's cousin's son i assume!!!

A woman in pink shirt and grey trouser, talking nothing, but only scouting for all the fourth seats that were to become vacant in the next few minutes!! (in the rush hours and in Mumbai, the fourth seat is the most crucial...its a compromise between a good amount of sitting space and no space at all... so here in the fourth seat one can rest their lower bodies... but on the condition of remaining a l'il alert so that one may not fall off from the seat when there was a slight jerk or sudden stopping or starting of the train!!!... It's important cuz most Mumbaiites travel for atleast an hour in the trains and the l'il rest and sleep one catches up on, in these journeys quite determine the mood and mindframe for the rest of the day !!!

An aspiring model with her portfolio and lots of makeup, day dreaming …I assume about that first big break and the materialistic pleasures that would follow,

A middle aged woman lost behind the pink pages of a cold business paper worrying about her investments. She looked like she had seen the world at large and had experienced the gamut of emotions the previous four ladies went through.

As we were approaching Bandra, we also heard a woman frantically yell out instructions to her maid in broken Marathi. I quickly recalled the network was always weak in that patch between Khar and Bandra. As it turns out, while the lady had left for work, she could not let go off the thoughts of the happenings at home!!

Amidst all this commotion, in an inconspicuous corner was a petite girl visibly worn out for lack of sleep and/or food? The world seemed to have come down for her. Her eyes looked teary and her expressions were those of hopelessness and despair. If one was to see her, it wouldn’t quite be easy to tell what was on her mind except that she was surely having a weird conversation with The ALMIGHTY as to WHY her life was shaping that way for all the good she had done, WHY was it so difficult for people to understand that it dint matter to her what they said to her to comfort her, it probably dint matter if they existed for she had lost the more vital reason to BE.

It looked like she had silently endured what life had imposed on her but now she was losing herself and her emotions to people at large, forlorn and withdrawn, she looked like she was giving up on life’s possibilities, if there existed any. Her silence was really loud in that conjusted noisy space. My heart reached out for her. I wish I could have changed her world and circumstances. She looked like she would cry bitterly even if I spoke in a loud tone with her. She now got up mechanically. I guess she had to get off at Elphinston station. My eyes remained glued on to her for the longest time. I was disturbed with her silence and I wanted to know what she had planned to do to help herself out of or in the situation she was in!!

But life in general (not just in Mumbai) is really fast. Life never did and never will stop for any single person!!! Other people can, at best, shed a tear or two for the ones in pain…

The train pulled off and the compartment was again brimming with the exuberance of the ambitious and the shy individuals, squeals of laughter, anxiety and an eclectic mix of emotions: all stuffed inside this one little Women’s compartment. Which meant thousands of emotions on the entire train!!??

I could not cite a better example than the Mumbai trains that best symbolize the SPIRIT of this city!!! The coexistence of numerous situations, emotions, colours, languages, cultures, circumstances and dreams!!! And all this in a city that operates at some unimaginable velocity. I bet you wouldn’t experience this any other city!!!

At these Mumbai Railway stations, it is heart warming to see the sight of men and women stretch out their hands magnanimously to strangers, to pull them inside the compartments of these fast moving trains and help them cope up with the pace if they had slowed down somewhere on the way!!
Some of these strangers express gratitude and continue the tradition of helping more individuals trying to learn the ways of the city, while some plant bombs inside these compartments and kill those thousand emotions and dreams in a single blast!!!

Yet, the way the city rolls is unique. The principles are clear: Never stop losing faith and hope, You take to the streets to help more and more people in the face of a difficulty, You celebrate every single occasion and festival with Grandeur, You welcome more and more strangers trying to realise their dream in some corner of the city so much so that they never miss the home they had once left …

… And the beautiful coexistence of the “Supeh Rich, the Bourgeoisie and the Slum Dwellers!!

The Brightness, the Richness, the Sobriety, the Humility, the Glamour, the Bling, the Elegance, The Rustic touch, The Urbanity, the Simplicity, Ostentatious displays, and several other contradictions exist in perfect Harmony in this city that has SOMETHING for EVERYONE…!!!

After enduring the several bomb blasts, floods and other tragedies, MUMBAI is one of the few cities that bounces back in no time. All the discomforts then only seem to be like a deal everyone unconsciously and voluntarily subscribes to, because, the magnanimity, kinship, warmth and affection that the city showers upon its people, clearly outweighs everything!!!

CHEERS TO MUMBAI !!!

CULTURAL MISFITS ?!

A L’il extension of my previous post at the cost of sounding obsessed with childhood days….i recount with great fondness another phase (yet again)!!!

The innocence and the purity never seemed to fail us then…we never sought to reason out the tragedies and pains that came our way!! Only when we grew up, did things start falling in perspective.

We, matured individuals, that we call ourselves slowly lost out the ability to welcome the uncertainties with open arms, we began to seek so much sense in everytin that life became awfully programmed, so much so that every time there was some shift or some loss, we began to get perturbed and shaken from within.

We began to think that one should dress in a certain way to come across as something!! One should talk in a certain way to be accepted by some few people, we should eat in a certain way coz mum n dad tole us that was the way to eat!!!

I draw an instance from my baby days in school. Mommy was now sending me food and was putting me on to the habit of eating a complete meal that she sent with the “Dabba walla”. I was trying my best to please mother and trying to eat from my tiffin; the complete spread of rotis, dal, salad, veggies. It was a tad too much for a child of my age but I was trying for mommy’s sake!! But what I did keep wondering at lunch time was, why did my food look so different from my Parsi friends who sat down for lunch with me and seemed to be speaking the same language as me… “broken stylish Gujarati” with English words interspersed in the Gujarati sentences or vanilla English sentences!!


What they ate looked like a fancy stick with something like a veggie stuck at the top. My Parsi , Bengali, Punjabi and Sindhi friends devoured this fancy looking eatable that looked rubbery and exciting…sometimes there was some craft work done to it like the silver lining and wrapping. I missed having a veggie that looked like that…that I could tear and eat little at a time and finally leave out a hard bone-like thing behind…it dint seem edible any further for my friends!! My veggies were boring and they landed straight in my tummy with no effort of separating the soft from the hard!!!


So, the forever confused child that I was, I went back home once disappointed. I began describing it to mom and questioned her as to why my meals were devoid of this interesting thing!! She then smiled and tried reasoning it out to me that we were Vegetarians and did not eat Chicken… knowing myself I must have surely dwelled in the confusion as to why wasn’t it possible to have a vegetarian chicken in my tiffin then!! But I have no specific memory of what followed…just that mommy explained that non vegetarian meant something that was once alive…PERIOD!! The idea of the stick with the veggie that looked like a lollipop soon became obnoxious!!


But I could not stop myself from succumbing to the habit of tearing rotis with both my hands…just as my friends did. So once when we were at the dinner table and dad was taking special interest in knowing what I had learnt at school, he accidentally set his eyes on my hands trying to tear Roti!! He looked at me weirdly…I must have felt like I was an adopted kid at that moment!!! …what he prolly found funny and shocking was what was that tiny little left hand of mine doing on the dinner table when it had no business to be there!!! Left hand at the dinner table was redundant apparently!! So he quickly popped a question at me and tried to know why I liked eating food the way I did…with both my hands?? I told him excitedly how I had learnt how to eat food without mum’s help almost failing to realize that it wasn’t even a relevant piece of information…

He told me that we were Gujarati Brahmins who ate with just our right hands and usage of left hand only meant disrespecting food!! (Weird!!). But dad has a way to put things into perspective…he will give you an option to try what you like doing and what he deems fit and then figure out what seems best. He prolly works on the gut that his option will look much more appealing. It surely does!!

…and when he explains that way, you are bound never to forget. So here we had this little girl who had just about begun eating independently who was given a more complex piece of instruction… “Leave aside the left hand at the dinner table”!!! so now as I broke little pieces of Roti, the underconfident shy girl inside me feared the left hand would spring from nowhere and upset father!! To avoid all of that , I found a solution…I would now fold my left hand backwards to almost touch my back and pretend I had no left hand!! Poor little left hand!!

Worse still, I did try acting smart by passing this vital piece of information to my friends who continued eating the way they ate back at their homes!!! I happily ate my food the way dad taught me and grinned within thinking all my friends were disrespecting food and were inviting the wrath of some imaginary God!!

As I grew older, I realized how vulnerable and gullible we were. We happily moulded ourselves the way people wanted us. We felt bliss while we remained ignorant of what they call CULTURAL DIFFERENCES… we loved our friends and folks alike and were unconsciously willing to change for either… we only knew the language of CAMRADERIE …it was above everything….caste, complexion, culture…

Wish we remained as MOULDABLE over the years gone by… without falling prey to becoming JUDGMENTAL!!

Memoirs from Childhood ...

PART 1 :

I was born in a huge home...not only in dimension but also in terms of the number of people it housed...forever bustling with the jokes and pleasantries of people that made MY FAMILY...

For obvious reasons I don’t retain all memories of what transpired between the time I was born and the time I was old enough to understand what people spoke and responded to them in my unfathomable language.

What remains etched as a constant memory through my infant and baby days is the colossal, noise, sounds and hysteria, typical of the whole Joint Family concept! Little cousins dropping by, demanding their share over a morsel of chocolate that my father would have brought me and the ritual of sharing half heartedly because that was the rule in the home… “you gotta share evrytin”….fancy pencils, eraser pieces that looked like Strawberry and bananas and sometimes some random superhero, chocolates, ice creams, clothes, hair oils and fragrances…weird!! We grew up with the idea that everything that could be felt or thought of could be shared…cute!!

Our home had everyone…unique characters that you would find in a big happy family in any Bollywood saga : The head of the family (A man with principles and values),comedians , simpleton, devoted housewives, faithful housekeepers, the cook who occasionally became a family member, unpleasant guests from our hometowns (plenty of them) who would stay and feed themselves endlessly in our Mumbai home leaving the main leads; the ladies of our home tired and worn out around dusk time… Astonishingly my home had place for all: The rich and the needy, the old and the young, the well wishers and the envious, blaah…


Apart from being a part of these experiences at home, the kids of the family also went to school. My dad was just making his career with little means. He and my mum were seeing bright dreams with wide eyes for my education, for the way they should dress me, how I would grow up to be a well mannered, sweet looking child who would make their family (our BIG FAMILY) proud…For most part of his life, my father kept drooling over books and fancied being the most educated man that ever existed (or so I think!!!). A very focused man who was out to get the most coveted degree in those times and dreaming unconsciously that he wanted his kids to do that as well some day.

My mum in her maiden days would pass by the enormous school at Juhu Tara Road overlooking the magestic Juhu Beach that most tourists thought was a pilgrimage destination after the home of the legendry Amitabh Bachhan in Mumbai!!!! Point being, my mum was enamored with this grand school and dreamt her kids went there when she had them… So I went to the same school where most celebrity kids went. My cousins chose to go to the other schools their parents had in mind. The first separation!!


PART 2 :

Separate schools brought in different experiences obviously!! So now the curiosity and the exuberance was to return and share stories about weird guls and boys in school, new games that we learnt, new prayers and nursery rhymes, new gifts that one got from a birthday celebration at school and then the traditional sharing a few candies and chocolates with the homies in other school who did not witness any b’day celebrations!! The sharing did not stop with the separation.

Then came an exciting phase of my life…Benny’s Bus!! I was prolly 4 when my mum was keeping busy with a new member in our home; my sister. She was the rockstar from the time she was born…those weird mood swings, the starry tantrums, the beautiful hair, the light brown eyes that could kill, the way she slept and just about everytin…I was obviously over reacting cus I hadn’t played the senior to any of the kids at home …so here was miss Cinderella who walked into our lives and simultaneously I was busy with my pre-primary school days and ofcourse, the Benny Bus phase!!

Benny was a cute catholic school bus driver… n I was the tiny, little, shy, reticent gul…well behaved and always waiting quietly in line to get into the bus and go home n see mommy and the rest of the jing bang!!! I would long to see Benny as much as I detested the idea of seeing school. But going to school was a price I paid to be in Benny’s Bus!! Benny was cute simply coz he sang for me and customized weird songs so that somehow he would sing my name amidst all those made up words, verses and paras!! Benny never missed taking care of me while the naughty boys jus shoved me off in their fighting bouts!! He prolly thought I was “Miss delicate darling” who would cry with the violence around me.

I was shy, quiet and all that but I did have the undeterred resilience and patience of my mum to keep smiling in the face of all this discomfort!!

In class I was the well behaved hard working child some teachers noticed and some did not… simply coz I never made my presence felt and loved to exist in my own world and day dream!! I dint wanna be the star of the class while others secretly wanted to make their presence felt and chased different agendas: figure in top 3, to be best athletes, to impress the cute looking boys/ guls, to be chosen for the annual day dance functions….i dint know any of that!!! I just knew Benny’s Bus, the bus ride and then coming home n telling my cousins and now my infant sister, the happenings of the day!!! My granny (“Maa”) stayed on the ground floor and on most occasions watched out for my bus and fetched me from where Benny dropped me off. The story of “Maa” needs a separate mention and I save it for another occasion….

Not to mention, the academic results were always good coz mom paid special attention to it…. A devoted mother who could go without food to make sure I got some table manners and somehow managed to feed me while I climbed on to the windows, the short cupboards in my room and as if that wasn’t enough, at the end of it threw a fit that mommy was harassing me when one of the aunties entered the room…the generally well behaved child that I was did get nasty at times!!....especially cus of Miss Cinderella who was happily eating away into my share of time with mommy!! But I still luved her existence… So while me n miss Cinderella kept becoming plump and pink, mommy was getting dark circles under her eyes for lack of sleep and the running around and the tiring study sessions with me!!


PART 3:

Then came another phase… an independent home for all the families of the home….they call it nuclear homes these days!!!

Dumb and innocent that we were, we did not fathom the consequences of this. All we saw was a brand new home constructed in the same premise on the top floor. The idea of separate kitchens was sooo new and exciting…we prolly thot that we would have different things cooked in each and then share all of it with each other which meant more variety!! But it was separation second!!!

The needs of the family to expand and the shortcomings of the huge home to now take care of these needs was perhaps the reason!!

Whatever the reasons, that was the age we kept smiling through all the hardships, presumptuous situations and the internal agony of not waking up to the sounds of the cousin in the next room crying after spilling milk.

We wept and then we stopped and life moved on… All discomfort forgotten, all grievances taking a backseat as newer joys filled our lives…no questions raised to god as to why our lives were shaping the way they were…no questions at all… submitting ourselves completely to the uncertainties yet to come….NO QUESTIONS EVA!! It was soo good to play that age…A role I could kill for today!!

No scars of incidents and quick healing from rude shocks!!